


Three's A Crowd

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bulges and Nooks (Homestuck), Dom/sub Undertones, Incest, Multi, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Post-Canon, Threesome - M/M/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:07:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23069695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The whole thing starts, really, because Dave doesn’t know how to keep his fucking mouth shut.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Dirk Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 3
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 1.28% of this fic is the word "fuck." Enjoy!

The whole thing starts, really, because Dave doesn’t know how to keep his fucking mouth shut. 

In his defense, he’s two minutes post-orgasm when it happens, so it’s not like he has full control of his mental facilities. He’s lying spread-eagle on the bed, limbs limp and body already beginning to become cognizant of its many new sore spots, as Karkat gently unties his wrists from the headboard and presses soft kisses to every bruise in every G-rated spot he can reach. And Karkat says, “You looked, um, you looked really good. Like that,” in that halting, awkward way that Karkat always says things like this, and Dave flushes from the neck up.

He knows he’s attractive, okay, he’s not about to turn this into some self-esteem thing, it’s just… still strange, sometimes, to hear Karkat tell him that sort of thing when he’s here like this, bruised and sweaty and covered in troll jizz from the waist down because they never manage to plan well enough to grab a bucket and Dave likes it when Karkat comes inside of him anyway, strange in the best possible way. “You’re one to talk,” Dave says. “You look.. you’re amazing when you just.. go ham, you know?”

Karkat snorts. “You’re so stupid, I don’t know why I fell in love with you.”

“It’s my rockin’ bod,” Dave says, half-joke, half-reminiscent of the kind of games they were just playing, you know, the ones where it’s all about what Karkat wants and how Dave is just here for him to do what he wants with, and god, refractory periods suck sometimes.

“Got it in one,” Karkat says. He guides Dave’s arms down to his sides and curls up next to him on the bed. “You need anything?”

“Just your sweet, sweet lovin’,” Dave deadpans.

“You’re an idiot,” Karkat mutters, but he wraps an arm around Dave and pulls him close nonetheless. “Um. So.” He stops midway through his thought, in a revolutionary turn of events.

Dave wriggles slightly in Karkat’s arms so that he’s facing him and looks at him carefully. “What?”

“During - you said. Did you mean what you said? During all that?” Karkat finally asks, after several abortive gestures and grunts that remind Dave a little too well of the first conversations they had about all of this shit. 

Hm. Well. The thing is, here, that Dave tends to have this habit of saying a lot of things during sex and remembering very few of them afterwards, which is normally fine, but there are just a few select things that he’s planning on permanently keeping to himself, and he really hopes this isn’t about any of those. “I mean, I’m sure I was directly on the train to Sincerity Ville during all that,” he starts, carefully. “You know you just steal the ironies from me when I get like that, like, your amazing sex powers are a dude in a ski mask and my ironic talents are in the helpless bank teller’s weak little hands, and, um. What did I say?”

Karkat’s face does that funny little tick it does sometimes, where one of his eyebrows scrunches up and his opposite eye twitches, the one that Dave’s come to learn means he’s unsure of how to say something or whether he wants to say it at all.

“C’mon, dude, you just tied me to the bed and fucked me hella hard, I think we’re past the point of being weird about this shit,” Dave points out, in his best encouraging boyfriend/matesprit voice. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Karkat grouses. There’s a long, long pause before he speaks again. “You said you wanted to… do this. With someone else. Like. Me, you, and someone else.” 

Huh. _Huh._ Yeah, okay. That’s … fine, that’s definitely not the worst or most embarrassing thing Dave could have said. It’s - it’s closer than he’d like to the capital-s Secret Thing he will absolutely never share because it’s not even a thing in the first place, really, but it’s _fine._ To be fair, he only kept this one secret because he would hate for Karkat to think he wasn’t good enough or something, because that’s not it at all. And so, here’s where it all starts. “Oh, uh, yeah, that’s… I mean, I’ve thought about it, obviously, cause it was floating around in my brain, you know, but it’s not like hey, Karkat, this is the only thing that can get me off now and if you’re not into it, I’ll have to die and-“

“I’m. Into it,” Karkat interrupts. His cheeks are tinted red, he won’t meet Dave’s eyes, and he’s clearly trying to keep still but Dave can feel him shifting against him.

Oh. Okay, yeah, that’s not, like, totally out of left field, trolls usually fuck with polyamory stuff because of quadrants and all that, and it’s not like a threesome is anywhere near the absolute pinnacle of kink. Okay. Cool. This is cool. “Oh,” Dave says, then, “not that I don’t want to get my cuddle on or anything, but if we’re having this conversation, it might be one I don’t want to have with jizz just… everywhere.”

Karkat snorts, although it’s more of an awkward sound than an amused one, and rolls away just enough for Dave to sit up. “Yeah, okay,” he says. “We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, I just thought…”

“No, no, dude, trust me, I want to talk about this. Just - again, jizz everywhere because someone can’t remember how to decaptchalogue buckets fast enough,” Dave says as he sits up. 

Karkat rolls his eyes. “Uh huh, you definitely weren’t begging -”

Dave swiftly cuts him off with a light kiss, then stands and turns towards the bathroom. “I’m just gonna shower real quick and then we can talk, okay?”

“Okay,” Karkat agrees, and his grin would be sending Dave directly back to Horny Town, if you will, if it wasn’t for the way Dave’s head is spinning, just a bit. Dave smiles back at him, although probably leaning more towards dorky and embarrassed than hot, and ducks into the bathroom. 

He starts the water and picks up his phone while he waits for it to heat up, about to start looking at memes before realizing that hey, maybe he’ll be a little better at this conversation if he doesn’t have to have it in person.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: hey  
CG: YOU DO REALIZE THAT I’M LITERALLY A DOOR AWAY FROM YOU, RIGHT?  
CG: ALSO I THOUGHT YOU WERE SHOWERING.  
TG: yeah no i know  
TG: and ill shower in a sec i promise ill get rid of my sexy stank  
TG: unless you dont want me to  
TG: do you want me to get rid of my sexy stank karkat  
CG: IF YOU BRING YOUR “STANK” ANYWHERE NEAR ME, I WILL FLIP MY SHIT.  
CG: MORE THAN USUAL.  
TG: yknow im kinda curious to see what that would be like  
TG: but no anyway i figured that if you want to talk about that uh  
TG: threesome shit or whatever  
TG: wed probably do a better job of talking over text bc you know how bad we are at saying shit face to face  
CG: YEAH, GOOD POINT.  
CG: SO... THAT IS SOMETHING YOU’D WANT.  
CG: ?  
TG: i mean yeah  
TG: like not in a “sorry karkat youre not good enough for me anymore” way obviously  
TG: just in a   
TG: i dunno  
TG: its hot when you kinda take control and itd be double hot if there was someone else doing that too?  
CG: I DEFINITELY SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.  
CG: THAT WOULD BE VERY FUCKING HOT.  
CG: SO YOU’D WANT IT TO BE THE KIND OF SHIT WE DO SOMETIMES?  
TG: if by that you mean the like  
TG: tying me up and not to sound like a pornstar but “using” me  
TG: ugh fuck that sounds so not hot when you put it like that  
TG: but yeah if thats what you mean then sign me the fuck up   
TG: put my name down like youre doing a petition to improve my already perfect sex life  
TG: if thats what you meant when you said you were into it earlier obviously  
CG: YEAH, THAT’S WHAT I MEANT.  
CG: UH.  
CG: AT RISK OF ENCOURAGING YOUR METAPHORS, PUT MY NAME DOWN TOO.  
TG: alright hell yeah this is good  
TG: this is a good conversation that i can definitely believe is happening  
TG: wow  
CG: HEY, YOU KNOW YOU CAN TELL ME ABOUT SHIT LIKE THIS BEFORE IT SLIPS OUT DURING SEX, RIGHT?  
CG: LIKE YOU SAID EARLIER, I THINK WE’RE PAST THE POINT OF THIS SHIT BEING WEIRD.  
TG: oh hell yeah dude you know youre always the first to hear about my wild fantasies  
TG: except when i think they might hurt your feelings bc you know my number two goal in life is making sure that happens as little as possible  
TG: number one is obviously making sure that your sex life is epic  
TG: actually wait no number one is figuring out exactly what happened to the dinosaurs back on the og earth  
TG: did they play their own sburb game? well never know karkat  
TG: well never know  
TG: but yeah anyway not hurting you is definitely my number three priority in life  
CG: SOMETIMES I WONDER WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I JUST STOPPED RESPONDING.  
CG: HOW LONG WOULD YOU KEEP GOING?  
TG: good question actually  
TG: probably a while  
TG: you know im good at lasting for long periods of time  
CG: SHUT UP.  
CG: …  
CG: SO ARE YOU DONE TALKING ABOUT THE THREESOME THING OR UH.  
CG: HANG ON, LET ME PHRASE THAT BETTER.  
CG: ARE WE LEAVING THIS AT “WOW, THAT WOULD BE HOT,” AND CONTINUING ON LIKE NORMAL BUT WITH A REMINDER THAT WE CAN SHARE “WEIRD” FANTASIES WITH EACH OTHER, OR DO WE WANT TO ACT ON THIS AT ALL.  
TG: an excellent question  
TG: what do you want  
TG: to do i mean  
CG: I…  
CG: WOULD NOT BE COMPLETELY OPPOSED TO THE IDEA OF THE SECOND OPTION.   
CG: IF THAT’S SOMETHING YOU’D WANT.   
TG: dude if this was a book wed be all smushed up together bc we are on the exact same page  
CG: COOL.  
TG: cool  
CG: SO.  
CG: UH.  
TG: ?  
CG: I’M GOING TO SOUND LIKE SOME PRETENTIOUS INDIGO HERE, SORRY, BUT I’M ASSUMING YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS BEFORE.  
TG: well yeah  
TG: once or twice i guess  
CG: YES, LET’S BOTH PRETEND THAT THAT’S AN ACCURATE NUMBER OF THE TIMES THAT YOU’VE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS SEXUAL FANTASY THAT YOU ACCIDENTALLY DIVULGED WHILE I WAS PAILING YOU.  
CG: DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT ANYONE SPECIFIC?  
CG: BECAUSE IF YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO DO THIS, THAT MIGHT BE A GOOD THING TO KNOW.  
TG: oh nah  
TG: i was focusing less on the face and more on the other things if you get my drift  
TG: you know me all up in that imaginary dick  
TG: or bulge you know i dont discriminate  
TG: my horny imagination isnt a xenophobe or anything  
CG: UH HUH.  
TG: anyway what about you  
TG: is this kind of a new thing for you to be thinking about  
CG: YEAH.  
TG: okay well is there anyone that comes to mind just like right off the bat  
TG: any hot people that we know that would be down for this zooming towards left field  
TG: except left field is our bed  
CG: WELL, MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS THAT TGSPRITE COULD BE.. CONVENIENT, BECAUSE HE’S CLOSE ENOUGH TO YOU THAT THIS MIGHT NOT SCARE HIM OFF.  
CG: BUT LAST I CHECKED HE WAS FUSED WITH A DEAD TROLL CAT GIRL THAT USED TO HAVE A CRUSH ON ME, AND WHILE SHE’S SWEET, THAT MIGHT BE A LITTLE MORE THAN EITHER OF US WANT TO GET INTO.  
CG: SO NO, NOT REALLY.   
TG: yeah hm  
TG: oh shit you know what would be hot  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: if you just like  
TG: chose for me  
TG: and i didn’t know who it was until they showed up  
TG: kinda plays into the whole thing yknow  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: YEAH, I COULD DO THAT.   
TG: would you want to   
CG: I’D REALLY FUCKING WANT TO.   
CG: GOGDAMNIT.   
TG: okay cool  
TG: the hot water is definitely almost out by now but this is cool  
TG: um  
TG: damn  
CG: OKAY, YEAH, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET INTO THE ABLUTION TRAP.   
CG: BEFORE YOU GO, THOUGH, ARE THERE ANY SPECIFICS YOU WANT FOR THIS.   
CG: FUCK THIS IS HOT.   
TG: hmmm  
TG: not john   
TG: im pretty sure that if i tried to seriously think of him as sexual in any way i would die and it would be just  
TG: a dude would be nice though i think  
TG: other than that go ham i guess  
CG: OKAY.  
CG: I GUESS I’LL JUST FIGURE THAT OUT THEN.  
TG: fuck yeah dude  
TG: i have so much fuckin’ faith in your threesome organizing abilities  
TG: im gonna shower now though  
TG: rip my sex stank  
CG: YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.  
CG: …  
CG: <3  
TG: <3  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

Dave puts his phone back onto the sink counter and gets into the shower before any more of the hot water can go the drain, and he’s relieved when it’s still warm. Okay. That was… a conversation that he just had. With Karkat. About having a threesome. A kinky one. With someone that Karkat will get to choose. Jesus fucking Christ, to put it lightly.

He grabs a bar of soap and starts to clean himself off, leaning his head back against the shower wall and trying his damn best to make the situation feel real. Okay. This is happening. 

Of course, the absolutely mind-blowing concept of the reality attribute of the situation pales in comparison to the fucking mystery attribute of the yet-to-be-determined third participant. It could be anyone. ( _It could be_ \- but no, Dave stops that train of thought before it can get any further.) There aren’t too many trolls left from the original group, it won’t be John, and it probably won’t be Jake, so “stranger” is probably a safe bet. ( _Or_ \- no, no, nope.) But whoever it is…

Dave swallows hard. There’s a familiar heat beginning to pool in the bottom of his stomach as both his imagination and his right hand travel down to familiar places. He lets his mind drift, allowing it a bit more free reign than usual since it seems to be taking it anyway as of late, and and tries to imagine what it’ll be like. Maybe Karkat will fuck his face, maybe if it’s a troll, they can both come all over and inside of Dave, maybe they’ll tie him up and leave him for hours, and Dave braces himself against the shower wall and leans into the way his sore wrist aches as he moves faster, faster, on the off chance that it’s Jake, that ass will be fucking wonderful to grab, but maybe it’ll be, it could be, faster, now, _fuck_ , a mental flash of shades, and fuck. Fuck. 

There’s really no way to pretend that he doesn’t want it to be Dirk, is there? Blame it on abandonment issues and Daddy problems and everything else Rose has been claiming for years, it doesn’t matter, but Dave really, really wishes it could be Dirk. He just can’t even _think_ that outside of this fucking shower. Sure, Karkat has a loose grip on human principles and morals at best, but that doesn’t mean that Dave can just say, “Hey, how do you feel about incest?” And it’s not like Dirk would ever reciprocate. Bro barely even looked at Dave most days, back then, all aloof grunts and sharp angles and blurry flashsteps pretty much whenever Dave started talking, and it was fine, it was fine, he was attractive then but it didn’t mean anything, and then -

Dave bites his lip and gives up on his last bit of self-control as he slides a finger into himself. If he closes his eyes, leans harder into the wall, maybe it’s Dirk, alpha Dirk, pushing inside of him, maybe Dirk also got inexplicably turned on back on that rooftop, maybe Dirk has spent an afternoon just like this, gasping and fuck, fuck, fuck. Dave bites down onto his free hand to keep himself quiet as he comes, legs trembling and hand slick, to the thought of Dirk fucking him. Well, that’s just great, especially because Karkat is definitely going to be suspicious about how long Dave’s been in here, and then he’ll ask, and Dave can’t tell him about this, he can’t. 

But if he did - but no. Dirk would never, and that’s assuming Karkat wouldn’t freak out. Fuck. Dave just needs to calm the fuck down, really. He’s already getting enough of the taboo, he’s already shared one embarrassing kink today and really, _really_ , that’s more than enough. Whoever it ends up being is going to be more than enough. 

(What Dave doesn’t know, though, is that by the time he’s out of the shower and crawling back into Karkat’s arms, is that the ‘whole thing,’ as we’ll call it, is already well in motion.)

*  
Weeks pass, enough that Dave starts to wonder, in those idle moments right after sex or when he’s trying to fall asleep or while he’s waiting for the microwave to beep, if Karkat’s forgotten about it. Dave hasn’t brought it up because, Jesus fuck, talk about an awkward conversation if Karkat’s changed his mind or if he hasn’t been able to find anyone that’s willing to do it, right, and if Karkat’s not bringing it up, it’s probably for similar reasons. So it sits, the large sexual elephant of a Schrodinger’s realness attribute in the room, waiting, waiting, waiting, until one day. 

Karkat and Dave are sitting in the living room, in separate chairs and on their respective devices but still maintaining the kind of companionship long relationships bring. Dave is scrolling through Twitter and looking at memes, and Karkat is… Dave doesn’t know what he’s doing, actually. He’s typing pretty aggressively, which isn’t new, but he’s hunched protectively over his phone in a way that conveys nothing but secretiveness. Huh. 

“You okay over there, babe?” Dave asks. He swings his feet up onto the ottoman, all casual and concerned and not all getting his hopes up for the third time this week alone.

Karkat looks up, and his face is bright, bright pink. “Yeah, just - talking to people,” he says. “Uh. Troll stuff. You know how it goes.”

“Uh huh,” Dave says. He drops it, but only because his suspicions have basically just been confirmed. Either Karkat is doing something illegal like hiring a hitman, or he’s found someone for this threesome thing. That’s…. wow. That’s a lot to think about, kind of. 

The room lapses into silence once more, except for the aggressive clickclickclick of Karkat’s fingernails against his phone keyboard. Dave watches him for a moment, in case he can see something like the color of the Pesterlog reflected in Karkat’s eyes or something, but it’s to no avail. Whoever Karkat’s texting will have to remain a mystery. Hm.

Dave returns to Twitter. He knows he’s probably reading too much into it. Hell, maybe Karkat is just talking to people about troll stuff that humans like Dave would have no chance of understanding! Maybe he’s roleplaying and embarrassed about it! Maybe he’s looking up weird fetishes on Wikipedia! The possibilities are quite literally endless, really, there’s no need to assume that this has anything to do with one (1) conversation that they had while post-coitus drunk nearly a month ago, and -

“Hey, how does tomorrow sound?”

Dave blinks his eyes up and away from a stupid video he wasn’t really watching and eyes Karkat warily. “For what?” _(Is this it, is this it, is it going to be tomorrow?_ )

“For that… thing,” Karkat says, haltingly. He puts his phone down for a moment, resting it face down on his leg, and shifts into what Dave privately calls his “hip new youth pastor for a ‘non-denominational but totally Baptist’ church that would try vaping once if it would convince kids that Jesus was cool” stance. “That you mentioned a couple of weeks ago.”

( _Oh fuck, this is totally it._ ) “Uh. The.” In an unusual turn of events, words fail Dave. He doesn’t just want to throw threesome out in the living room, because hey, it’s a Thursday night and if he’s assuming wrong and forgetting about something else that he mentioned a couple of weeks ago, it’s going to be a whole-ass situation to have to go pick up the word threesome and wrangle it back into its little baby carrier and -

“The thing,” Karkat repeats. “With the, uh. Other. Person.”

“The threesome thing?” Dave blurts. Aw, fuck. There it goes, just set loose in the middle of the conversation like a clown with no background check in the middle of a six year old’s birthday party, and suddenly everyone is running around and screaming and just completely fucking forgetting what a resting heart rate is.

Karkat nods, once, a jerky movement. “Yeah. That.”

“Tomorrow?” Dave repeats, and he doesn’t cross his legs, okay, he’s not that obvious, but if he can’t help the way he kind of presses his thighs together, just a bit, well… who’s going to call him out on it?

“Yeah. Does that work?”

“Fuck yeah, dude,” Dave says. God, he hopes that didn’t come across as too overeager, but then again, what right does Karkat have to judge him when he’s making the face he’s making right now. Fuck. This is going to be the best thing ever, basically. 

Karkat smiles, then, an awkward sort of grimace that gives way to something real when he sees the way that Dave is shifting in his seat, just a bit. He doesn’t say anything, though, just picks up his phone again and jabs something into the keyboard. He pauses for a moment, like he’s waiting for a response. Dave just - watches. His mind is basically that scene from Spongebob where all of the little mental Spongebobs take the day off or however that went, and everything is just chaos. Karkat is, right now, right this very minute in this very spot, texting someone that’s going to come over tomorrow and have a threesome with them, and it’s not Dirk, it’s not (but it could be), and holy fuck, Dave is going to combust. 

And then Karkat looks up, that real smile still sitting on his face and turning Dave on more than the thought of anything else quite can, and he says, “Can I take a picture of you? For him, I mean. I told him you’re excited, and he asked to see.”

Dave is going to die. Dave is going to die. There’s really no other way he can put it. Karkat is texting someone that is going to come over tomorrow and have sex with them and it could be anyone and whoever it is wants a picture of Dave. “Go for it, dude, hell yeah.”

Dave hams it up for the camera a bit, leaning back in his chair and spreading his legs just enough to casually drop his hand between them, basically the picture of coolness and sex appeal, and he’s being funny about it, sure, but he can’t hide the shiver that runs down his spine when he hears the shutter click. Huh. Maybe this is something he should explore while he’s on this magical kink discovery trip, but no, no, that’s for later. Now is, well, the threesome that’s going to be happening tomorrow. Fuck. 

“Okay, he’s going to be here after dinner tomorrow,” Karkat says. He switches his phone off and shoves it back into the pocket of his sweatpants, casual and cool like he’s not bright red and like Dave can’t see suspicious movement right at the crotch of his pants. “Is this… you’re still cool with this, right?”

( _Fuck_.)

“I am beyond fucking cool with this,” Dave assures him easily. “Trust me.”

Things are… less clear from there, to put it simply. Dave gets up, somehow, and then he’s in Karkat’s lap, and Karkat’s pants are gone and his bulge is wiggling up against Dave and Dave is whining, right there, in the middle of the living room on a Thursday night. And they fuck, right there, in the middle of the living room on a Thursday night. Karkat whispers some of his plans for the next day right into Dave’s ear as he pushes inside, all these filthy little nothings about tying Dave up and holding him down and taking turns with the other person until Dave’s aching for it, and Dave whispers right back, all please and fuck and everything running through his mind and it’s fucking wonderful, really, because they only time that Dave just can’t think about Dirk is when he’s with Karkat like this.

When Karkat comes, he hastily grabs a bucket from his sylladex and pulls out fast enough to give Dave some kind of whiplash, but any annoyance is quickly alleviated when Karkat explains, “You have to wait until tomorrow, Dave,” and then Karkat’s leaning down between Dave’s legs, and troll tongues have ridiculous amounts of control and fuck, fuck, fuck, Dave comes with his thighs clenching around Karkat’s face and his hands fisted tight in Karkat’s hair. 

“I love you,” Dave says, afterwards. They’re curled up in the same chair in a sweaty lump, and Dave is, like he so often is in this house, happier than he thinks he’s ever been.

Karkat smiles, soft, and kisses Dave’s cheek, softer. “I’m excited for tomorrow,” he says. “I think…. I think it’s going to be good.”

“I know it is,” Dave says, kisses him back because c’mon, he has to keep this shit even, and he means it. It’s not going to be Dirk, but that’s fine, that’s good, tomorrow will be good and hot and hell, maybe whichever random troll or human that Karkat’s chosen will somehow get the whole weird Dirk thing out of Dave’s system entirely. Fuck yeah, tomorrow is going to rule. 

*

“He’s on his way,” Karkat says. 

Dave nearly drops the plate he’s attempting to wash; he’s been practically vibrating out of his skin all day and now it’s happening, it’s fucking happening. “When’s he going to get here?” See, there, he can speak coherently. He’s fine. He’s not about to melt into a puddle of arousal and just lie on the floor like the world’s horniest slipping hazard. 

Karkat steps up behind Dave, winds an arm around his waist and switches the sink faucet off with his other hand, every motion smooth and almost perfectly disguising the fact that he’s doing just as well as Dave is right now. “About twenty minutes.”

“Do you wanna … how are we doing this?” 

Karkat moves closer, somehow, pressing little kisses along Dave’s jawline , and Dave’s knees forget how to work, just a bit. “I want to take you upstairs and get you all ready,” he says, voice dancing at something only a few steps removed from a growl, “and then you can sit and wait until he gets here. Okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, fuck,” Dave says, and he drops the plate into the soapy water as Karkat spins him around and kisses him, once, pushing him back against the counter and winding a hand tightly into his hair before he abruptly stops. “C’mon,” Dave starts, but -

“Twenty minutes,” Karkat reminds him, and yeah, okay, right. Dave lets himself be led upstairs to their unusually clean bedroom. 

“Did you clean?” Dave asks, and he’s so fucking turned on but he can’t help but stop for a minute. “Dude, holy shit.”

“Shut up,” Karkat mutters, which is as good as a confession as it gets, and before Dave can say anything else, he finds himself being pushed back onto the bed. “So,” Karkat says, straddling Dave and resting his hands on Dave’s shoulders with just enough pressure to keep him still, “I was thinking that I would take off as much shit as you’re comfortable with, cuff you, and have you all ready to go when he gets here. Is that okay?”

Words, unreliable bastards that they’ve been as of late, fail Dave. “Uh -“ he says. “Fuck. Yeah. Please.”

Karkat smiles - fuck, that’s hot - and eases up on Dave’s shoulders so that he can reach for the hem of Dave’s shirt. “Can I take this off?”

Dave nods, biting his lip so he doesn’t start off on some stupid fucking ramble, and lets Karkat lift the shirt. The room is just a bit colder than it normally is, and Dave feels instantly exposed. Fuck.

“What about shades?” Karkat asks. 

“Um, on for now,” Dave says, “I might take them off later, if that’s cool.”

“Whatever you want,” Karkat assures him, and it’s so different than how things are about to go that Dave can’t help the way he shivers. “Pants?”

“Yeah, but not boxers yet, I don’t wanna just have everything out, you know.” 

Karkat snorts a little at that. “Yeah, alright,” he says, and he doesn’t even bother to hide the way he squeezes Dave’s ass as he pulls his skinny jeans off and tosses them to the floor. “And you’re good if I tie up your hands?”

Dave doesn’t trust his voice to not come out as a moan, so he settles for another nod. Fuck. They haven’t even done anything, and he’s already wet as fuck, it’s probably only been two minutes. but fuck, soon, soon, and Karkat lifts his hands oh so gently and cuffs them to the headboard, low enough that Dave could lie down if he really wanted to and far enough apart for Dave to know that he’s going to be pleasantly sore tomorrow. 

Once the cuffs are locked into place, Karkat kisses Dave on the forehead, light and not at all befitting on the situation, and clambers off of the bed. “I’m going to go finish the dishes, then, if you’re okay with waiting up here for a few minutes.”

Dave swallows hard and tries not to think too much about the shift in Karkat’s tone, subtle, but like the bass levels of a mix were just raised the smallest bit, and, “Yeah, that’s cool.”

Karkat smiles. It’s genuine and it’s terrifying and it means that Dave is going to get his shit wrecked, and he says, “I’ll see you once he’s here then.”

There’s nothing that Dave can muster up in response to that before Karkat is gone. The door closes behind him with a soft click, and then the sounds of his stomping footsteps echo as he goes down the stairs and into the kitchen. Dave tries his best to stretch, leaning to one side and then the other, and god, he loves this. He has just enough movement to not feel claustrophobic but nowhere near enough to think that he’s going to be calling any shots when the other person gets here, and fuck, fuck, the Other Person. It could be anyone. It could be anyone and it’s going to be someone and he’s going to get here in under twenty minutes.

Dave shifts, crosses his legs and squeezes them together in a useless attempt at getting some friction. He’s been wet pretty much since he woke up this morning and remembered how this day was going to go, and he’s already way too close to being desperate. 

And then there’s a knock. Quick, just two raps against the wood, but loud enough that the sound reverberates from the front door up to Dave’s chest, settling in and sending his heart rate skyrocketing. He’s here. And he’s strong, probably, confident, the type to knock like that, and Dave finds himself leaning forward as far as he can in the hopes that he can hear something. He hears the creak of the door swinging open. A scratchy, unmistakably Karkat tone that’s too far to decipher. A low mumble. Footsteps, four at a time now, moving from the doorway to the kitchen to the stairs, and Dave doesn’t know if he’s going to jump out of his skin or settle so far into it that he might as well never come out again, and they stop. Shadows slide under the door and onto the floor, too vague for anything to actually be made out. 

“-right in here,” Karkat is saying, “Whenever you’re ready.”

There’s a quick response, still too soft to be understood or placed. Dave’s heart is thudding like a bowling ball in greased hands, and his stupid, stupid hopes are crawling up his spine in perfect time with the shiver that runs through him when he sees the door handle turn. 

The door swings open.

And - there’s Karkat. Still with that smile, his pointed upper teeth reflecting the low light coming in through the thin curtains, hands in his pockets, shifting his weight in a way that only ever means arousal and/or anxiety. He’s fucking gorgeous, and he’s planned this and made this happen like every one of Dave’s late night fantasies, and he steps to the side and. And. 

Behind him. Hand still on the doorknob, black leather against dull silver, a loose tank top and that obvious strength in the way he carries himself and perfectly styled hair and the most dangerous shades Dave’s ever seen. It’s Dirk. 

It’s Dirk. There’s no way around it, no dream to wake up from, no shoe dangling dangerously from the ceiling, no, not with the way that Karkat’s looking between the two of them. It’s just - Dirk. Here. Now. The corner of his mouth quirking upward, just for a moment, before falling neatly back into a perfect poker face, every line of his body stark and tense, looking, shades be damned, at Dave.

“Hey,” says Dirk. 

Dave opens his mouth. Nothing comes out. His legs tense, release, tense again. It’s Dirk. 

“Dave?” Karkat asks, and it’s the clearly disguised concern in his voice that finally lets Dave tear his gaze away from the unmistakable bulge pressing against the fly of Dirk’s jeans. 

Words are gone. Words have left the fucking building, they’re heading right to the airport and are about to hop on a one-way flight to the opposite side of the globe. There they go, waving goodbye as they step into the line for security, carrying all their little lexical suitcases in hand, but wait, wait, this is _Home Alone_ now, and back at the house there are just a few words left, and they come tumbling from Dave’s mouth before he can figure out what he wants them to do. “You know about incest, right, Karkat?”

Great. A plus, Dave. _Your brother (your brother, your guardian) is standing in your room, you’re tied up and half-naked, he somehow agreed to have a threesome with you and your boyfriend, and you decided to remind everyone in the room about incest?_

“I fucking know about incest, dingus,” Karkat says, with the air of someone that’s been asked if they’re aware of a human societal taboo one too many times, “and …” there’s the hesitation, the kind brought by someone who’s thinking that maybe they should have picked a less, ah, controversial third party for the threesome they organized, “I mean, does it matter?” and confidence creeps back in alongside a smirk because there’s no way that Karkat can’t hazard a damn good guess as to where Dave’s eyes keep darting right now.

“I don’t care about that if you don’t,” Dirk adds, so quietly it’s almost inaudible. His shades still obscure his gaze, of course, but Dave can’t shake the feeling that Dirk is still looking directly at him.

It’s beyond weird to hear Dirk (Bro) speak like that, with a tremor of emotion in his voice, and something about it makes something about the air in the room shift, makes it feel more real.

“Wait-“ Dave says, wait, his fucking bowling ball of a heart hits the lane, it’s completely out of his hands now, and, “you… Karkat asked you about this. And you’re here. To…” Do you want…?

“Yeah,” Dirk says. There’s a light flush rising to his cheeks, his hands are fidgeting at his sides, and he, apparently, somehow, is here right now. “Yeah, um, this is - if you’re cool with it, I’m cool with it, y’know?”

And Dave could say no, save his dignity and his ability to say that no, he doesn’t want to fuck his brother, have Karkat untie him and let everyone forget this ever happened. And he says, “Nah, I’m cool. Uh. How do y’all want me?”

Karkat steps forward, then, gesturing for Dirk to follow, and says, “I was thinking he could fuck you while you eat me out,” he says, and fuck, fuck, Dave’s not going to fucking survive this. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Dave says, and then Karkat’s crawling onto the bed and kissing him, and there’s a sharp intake of breath from across the room. 

Karkat’s hands wind into Dave’s hair, tugging him closer into the kiss and then away, just far enough that Karkat can turn over his shoulder and say, “Dirk, do you want to start getting him ready?”

A soft noise, not quite a whimper but dangerously close, and then Dirk is there, behind Karkat, climbing up to kneel at Dave’s feet on the bed. “Um,” Dirk starts. His face is bright red now, and not even he can hide how hard he’s biting down on his lip.

“Go on, his boxers aren’t going to fucking bite you,” Karkat tells him. Dave swallows hard. Dirk’s hands come up, slowly, ghosting along Dave’s legs, and his fingers close around the waistband of Dave’s boxers. Holy fuck. This is happening.

There’s a strange emotion rising in Dave’s chest, behind the overwhelming wall of arousal, something that hurts like learning that fridge doors are for displaying art and not weaponry or that most people are okay with hugs, actually, something that hurts warm and low when Dirk leans down and kisses Dave on the stomach before he pulls Dave’s boxers down and tosses them onto the floor. Fuck. 

“Fuck,” Dirk says. “Fuck. Dude, you’re so fucking wet.”

It’s Bro’s voice, it’s the rough drag of leather that Dave always imagined would come from Bro touching him like this, it’s a shiver that runs through Dave’s entire body. 

“Is he?” Karkat asks, sarcastic rhetorical question to end all sarcastic rhetorical questions. He turns slightly and reaches out, sliding a hand in between Dave’s legs, up, up, up, ghosting over his clit and drawing a ragged breath from Dave. Dirk’s throat works audibly. 

“Can you just-” Dave starts, because he’s literally been touched once and he already feels like he’s going to explode, but Karkat shuts him up with a kiss. It starts gentle, then quickly turns rough and biting, sharp troll teeth and Dave’s head knocking back into the headboard and Dirk, each moment so deliberately slow, sitting up with a knee on either side of Dave’s legs and running his hands up and down Dave’s thighs like he’s trying to work himself up to going further. 

“Don’t be an impatient wiggler,” Karkat chides, but he keeps his tone from sounding actually annoyed. “Dirk, will you keep him quiet while I take some of this shit off?”

“Yeah, of course,” Dirk says quickly. He’s still as Karkat slides back off of the bed and starts to undress, methodical and practiced, and then, suddenly, he’s moving, scooting forward so that his knees bracket Dave’s hips and leaning down, careful, slow, towards Dave’s lips. “Uh. Is this… can I kiss you? Fuck.”

Dirk is his brother. Dirk was his guardian. Dirk looks almost exactly like Bro from this angle, like he’s just beaten Dave in a strife, the only difference being that now Dave’s hands are tied and he’s naked. They really, really shouldn’t, but it’s Dirk and it’s real and Dave just nods. 

And Dirk leans down and does. It’s nothing special at first, just lips against lips, no pressure, no motion, but then Dave dares to open his mouth and Dirk follows his lead gladly. Dirk kisses him exactly the way that Dave thought Bro would, when he let himself imagine it, with his hands cupping Dave’s cheeks and his teeth nipping at Dave’s bottom lips, and then he shifts, and fuck, his dick pushes up against Dave’s stomach. “Dirk,” Dave says, the word breaking into a gasp when Dirk moves to bite at his ear, “Dirk, fuck.”

Dave tries to grind up into Dirk, but he can’t get much leverage given the position of his arms and the heavy weight of Dirk pushing down on his hips, and Dirk’s breath gets heavier. “Shh,” he murmurs, “just be patient, man.”

The bed dips on Dave’s left side. Karkat, now naked, bulge out and whipping around between his legs, moves so that his junk is directly in line with where Dave’s mouth would be if he were to turn his head to the side. “Hey,” he says, and that fucking smile is back again. “Can I sit on your face?”

Dave can’t help it; he whines. He wants to keep kissing Dirk and he wants to eat Karkat out and he wants someone to fuck him right the fuck now, he wants to grab onto both Dirk and Karkat and hold them as close as he can, but his hands are tied and he’s not the one in charge here. “Yeah, fuck,” he says, and he doesn’t protest when Dirk reaches out and plucks his shades from off of his face. 

“You’re fucking gorgeous,” Dirk says, and it’s so unexpectedly sincere that it sends a jolt through Dave’s chest. 

“He really is, isn’t he?” Karkat agrees. Dave knows he’s embarrassingly red, fuck, but he also can’t quite bring himself to care when Karkat moves to straddle his face and oh, fuck, he’s soaking wet. Dave licks up into Karkat’s nook, slow in the way that Karkat loves, and groans when Karkat starts to roll his hips down against his face. For a moment, the scent and taste and sound of Karkat are all that Dave can register, but then there’s a finger sliding down the crook of his hips and between his legs, and that’s Dirk, fuck, and he doesn’t know what the fuck to even try to focus on anymore. 

Dirk’s fingers circle around Dave’s clit once, twice, three times, before they slide down and, oh fuck, oh fucking fuck, one slides inside. Dave’s whole body jerks; the cuffs make a clanking sound against the metal poles of the headboard that they’re secured too. There’s a distant whimper that might be Dirk, might be Karkat, goes straight to Dave’s head either way. 

Dirk adds another finger, easy as can be considering how wet Dave is, and oh, fuck, of course he can find that spot right away, of course Dirk is a fucking sex god, and Dave keens, gasping up into Karkat and mostly giving up on trying to use any sort of technique and just letting Karkat grind down into his mouth. Karkat’s hands are fisted tight in Dave’s hair, keeping his head in place, and Dirk’s free hand is on Dave’s hip, holding him still and secure, and there’s a pleasant ache starting to set into Dave’s shoulders. It’s… basically the hottest thing that’s ever happened to Dave.

And then Dirk leans forward, twisting his hand to rub at Dave’s clit as he does, and says, “You ready?”

There’s not really any way for Dave to answer without Karkat moving, so Dave hopes the way he pushes his hips forward into Dirk’s hand is answer enough. Fuck. Dirk’s going to fuck him. Dirk’s going to fuck him, there’s the sound of a zipper and the rustle of fabric, Karkat’s hand tightens in Dave’s hair, and then there’s a dick pressing up against Dave. 

Dave whines, hands uselessly clenching and releasing, and he doesn’t scream when Dirk pushes in, okay, but it’s a near thing. Dirk pauses for a moment, like he’s waiting to make sure that Dave’s okay, but then his hands settle on Dave’s hips, pretty much lifting Dave half off the bed, and he starts to move. 

Fuck. Getting fucked by Karkat is amazing, right, because troll bulges are basically tentacles and that shit is amazing, but Dirk is just… fuck. At risk of cliche, he’s huge, and each thrust is fast and deep and Dave really can’t help the way that he wraps his legs around Dirk to pull him closer. And then Karkat, because of course he knows exactly what Dave wants right now, shifts backward slightly, one hand leaving Dave’s hair so that he can grab onto the headboard for balance, and his bulge slides into Dave’s still-open mouth.

And again - getting fucked by Karkat is amazing, but having Karkat’s bulge in his mouth is really on a completely different level. It feels so much bigger here, and Dave is acutely aware of the way it wriggles around, always trying to push deeper, and the way it reaches the absolute limit of what he can take when Karkat thrusts, and the way it starts to swell when Karkat gets close. And of course, speak of the devil. 

Dave can feel his jaw getting pushed open impossibly wider as Karkat’s thrusts get faster and faster, the grip in his hair tightening enough to bring tears to his eyes, and Dirk’s still pushing into him hard enough for his entire body to get knocked backwards into the headboard, Dave’s gone ragdoll limp in his favorite way, and Karkat gasps out a string of expletives and starts to come right into Dave’s mouth. 

And, okay, maybe he’s biased, but this is Dave’s favorite part of when Karkat uses his mouth like this, because there’s just so much. It starts almost slowly, trickling down Dave’s throat bit by bit, but before he can get used to that, it all just - happens. Dave’s throat is working frantically as he desperately tries to swallow it all, but there’s just too fucking much, and it starts to spill out of his mouth and down across his chin, where he’s already covered in Karkat’s slick. 

Dirk must see what’s happening, because he chokes on a groan, starts moving impossibly faster, and then, with a shout, comes, staying deep inside Dave until his gasping breaths subside.

Time starts to blur, after that. There’s a hand - probably Dirk’s - on Dave’s clit, a thumb rubbing little circles for just a moment before Dave comes, shaking apart into so many little pieces that he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to come back together again, and then someone - probably Karkat - unlocks the cuffs and gently brings Dave’s hands down. Someone gets a washcloth and starts to clean off his face, someone arranges his limp limbs into something that won’t leave him with any nasty pains in the morning, and someone switches off the lights. 

Dave wasn’t really sure what he’d been expecting from the post-threesome situation, but things settle rather nicely into a sweaty pile in the center of the bed. Karkat is running his fingers through Dave’s hair, curled up protectively around him, and Dirk has his head on Dave’s chest. Right before he drifts off, Dave looks down to find that his and Dirk’s hands are intertwined and that Karkat is watching them with a soft smile. Well. Huh. That might be something - but it’s something to figure out tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some "behind the scenes" Pesterlogs that take place between the first and second scenes.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT]

CG: HEY.  
CG: YOU’RE DIRK’S AUTO-RESPONDER, RIGHT?  
TT: It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 96% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.  
CG: WHAT THE EVER-LIVING, BULGE-SNIFFING FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT.  
TT: Oh, I’m just messing with you, dude.  
TT: Yeah, I’m the Auto-Responder, or at least I used to be?  
TT: Now I just go by Hal.  
TT: You’re Karkat, right?  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: WAIT, HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW THAT?  
TT: I keep track of everyone in our little group by now. Also, back when I was fused with that sweaty troll guy, I picked up on some knowledge.  
TT: Explicit gray text = Karkat Vantas.  
CG: THAT’S EXTREMELY FUCKING CREEPY AND I WOULD LOVE TO YELL AT YOU ABOUT IT, BUT UNFORTUNATELY, I’M HERE FOR AN ACTUAL REASON.  
TT: I see.  
TT: What might that reason be?  
CG: WELL.  
CG: FUCK, I DIDN’T THINK THIS ONE THROUGH AT ALL.  
CG: I KNEW I SHOULD’VE WAITED!   
CG: OR JUST NOT DONE THIS AT ALL. YEAH, THAT WOULD’VE BEEN A FUCKING GENIUS MOVE, HUH, SO GLAD I THOUGHT OF IT NOW. FUCK!  
CG: ACTUALLY, CAN YOU JUST BYPASS THE BAN DAVE MADE ON MEMOS ON MY COMPUTER SO I CAN GO YELL AT MY PAST SELF FOR THINKING THIS WAS ANYTHING CLOSE TO A GOOD IDEA AND NOT SOME STUPID FUCKING FESTERING WOUND OF A THING TO DO?  
TT: I mean, I do have other things to do, but if that’s why you’re here, then I guess I could give it a shot. What’s your IP address?  
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO!  
CG: AREN’T YOU A PAIR OF FUCKING SUNGLASSES? WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY *DO?*  
TT: Okay, yeah, you got me there. I don’t actually have anything to do that I can’t do in perfect synchronicity with anything else.  
TT: My robo-calculations indicate that you do have another reason for this lovely conversation, though.   
TT: So what is it, Shouty?  
CG: FIRST OFF, DON’T FUCKING CALL ME SHOUTY. SECOND OFF, WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF ROBO-CALCULATIONS ARE YOU DOING? AND THIRD OFF, CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING IN CONFIDENCE?  
TT: Okay, damn, no need to get worked the fuck up, my man. I’m not actually running robo-calculations on you, I’ve got better things to use my processing power for.  
TT: I just assumed based on your choice of words that being given access to memos was not your true intention for this conversation.  
TT: And yes, I can keep a secret, unless you’re planning to murder someone or anything like that. Rose recently helped me out with a counselors-ethics update, actually.  
CG: I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO BOTHER ASKING WHAT ANY OF THAT MEANS. CAN YOU JUST TELL ME HOW WELL YOU COULD HYPOTHETICALLY PREDICT DIRK’S ACTIONS IN A HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION?  
TT: Huh. Interesting question.  
TT: It depends on the situation in question and how you define accuracy of one’s predictions, but I’d estimate somewhere around 85%, whatever that number means to you.   
TT: I can give a more accurate answer if you don’t mind sharing the situation.  
CG: OKAY, FINE.  
CG: THIS IS IN CONFIDENCE, REMEMBER. I WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP IF THIS LEAVES THIS CHAT.  
TT: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, got it.  
CG: WHAT?  
TT: Nothing. Please continue.  
TT: I’ve gotta say, dude, you’ve piqued my curiosity.   
CG: OKAY, WELL, THIS IS GOING TO SOUND WEIRD, BUT I’D LIKE TO KEEP MY DIGNITY JUST ABOVE THE “ASKING FOR A FRIEND” LEVEL, SO LET’S JUST PRETEND THIS WON’T BE EXTREMELY AWKWARD AND SAVE BOTH OF US THE TROUBLE.  
CG: HOW WOULD DIRK FEEL ABOUT A THREESOME?  
CG: BEING INVITED TO ONE, SPECIFICALLY.  
TT: This got exactly 40.1% more interesting, thank you.  
TT: That’s a good question. I’m going to go with “fairly well,” but again, the more detail, the better.  
CG: WELL, I’D BE INVOLVED. OBVIOUSLY.  
CG: BUT NOT INVOLVED INVOLVED, JUST KIND OF GUIDING SHIT, I GUESS.   
TT: Okay, so we’ve got you, Dirk, and who’s the third party?  
TT: (Asking that was a formality, there is a 99.99% chance that it’s Dave.)  
CG: THAT’S FUCKING CREEPY. BUT YEAH, IT’S DAVE.  
TT: 62.0% more interesting.  
TT: I understand that you’re an alien, so I apologize if this is culturally insensitive or whatever, but you are familiar with the concept of incest, right?  
CG: YES, I’M FAMILIAR WITH YOUR “HUMAN INCEST.”  
TT: I’m not human, but alright.   
CG: I STILL DON’T GET THE BIG DEAL ABOUT IT. LIKE, SURE, NO ONE WANTS A BUNCH OF FUCKED UP CULLBAIT WIGGLERS BECAUSE TWO HUMAN “SIBLINGS” DECIDED THEY DESERVED TO PROCREATE IN THEIR FUCKED UP HUMAN WAY, BUT BEYOND THAT I JUST DON’T FUCKING GET IT.  
CG: I DON’T SEE WHY IT’S AN ISSUE IN THIS SITUATION.  
TT: Okay.  
TT: I’m inclined to agree with you, although I can’t say for sure if Dirk feels the same.  
CG: AREN’T YOU BASICALLY DIRK?  
TT: On an extremely basic level, yes, but in actuality, no.   
TT: We diverged when he was 13. We still have many similarities, but different experiences lead to different people, to put it simply.   
TT: Would you like me to ask him?  
CG: NO!  
CG: MAYBE LATER, BUT NOT UNTIL I KNOW HE’S NOT GOING TO TURN ME DOWN.  
CG: I DON’T WANT TO FUCK UP HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH DAVE.   
TT: That’s kinda sweet, actually.   
TT: Although, if Dirk hasn’t changed too much since he was 13, trust me when I say that you can’t make that relationship any weirder than it already is.   
CG: WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?  
TT: Let me ask you a question. Why did you come to me? Did Dave ask you to?  
CG: NO.  
CG: WELL, HE TOLD ME TO FIND SOMEONE FOR THIS THREESOME THING BUT HE WANTS IT TO BE A SURPRISE.   
TT: Okay.  
TT: What made you choose Dirk?  
CG: FUCK IF I KNOW!  
CG: HE AND DAVE ARE CLOSE ENOUGH THAT DAVE WOULD HOPEFULLY FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH HIM, HE’S ATTRACTIVE, AND HE’S UNLIKELY TO TELL THE TABLOIDS ABOUT THIS SHIT.   
TT: So you don’t think Dave would have a problem with Dirk being an alternate universe version of his guardian, an alternate universe version of himself’s son, and his brother?  
CG: AGAIN WITH THE FUCKING INCEST THING! I THOUGHT I WENT OVER THIS SHIT.   
CG: I DON’T THINK IT WOULD FREAK DAVE OUT ENOUGH TO MAKE HIM NOT WANT TO GO THROUGH WITH IT. HE TRIES TO ACT SUBTLE, BUT I’VE SEEN HIM WATCH ENOUGH BLOND-BASED PORN TO NOT BE SURPRISED IF HE’S ATTRACTED TO DIRK, SUBCONSCIOUSLY OR CONSCIOUSLY.   
CG: I ALSO WOULDN’T BE SURPRISED IF THAT’S BECAUSE OF THE ALTERNATE UNIVERSE GUARDIAN THING. FROM WHAT I’VE HEARD, DIRK WAS PRETTY FUCKING ALOOF, AND I THINK DAVE WOULD APPRECIATE SOME FUCKING ATTENTION AND AFFECTION FROM HIS “HUMAN DAD.”  
TT: …  
TT: Damn.  
TT: Have you been talking to Rose?  
CG: OH FUCK NO.  
CG: DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT DAVE WOULDN’T KILL ME IF I SAID ANY OF THIS TO HER?  
CG: I JUST READ A FUCKTON OF ROMANTIC LITERATURE. THERE ARE TROPES, IDIOT.   
TT: Huh.  
CG: YOU NEVER ANSWERED MY QUESTION EARLIER.  
CG: WHAT DID YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAID THAT THIS COULDN’T MAKE DAVE AND DIRK’S RELATIONSHIP ANY WEIRDER?  
TT: As long as we’re both over-sharing under the assurance of this being a private chat, I think Dirk may harbor some attraction to Dave.  
TT: Hero worship, familial relationship without the early childhood anti-incest function, and abandonment issues so far up his ass even Jake couldn’t fuck them out.   
TT: It’s kind of a perfect storm, or at least, it was when we were 13.  
CG: WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK, DO *YOU* HAVE FEELINGS FOR DAVE?  
TT: Nothing beyond the residual. I’ve moved on with my life.  
CG: HAS DIRK… MOVED ON?  
TT: That’s the question, isn’t it?  
TT: I really have no idea. This isn’t the kind of thing that you casually talk about, even with someone that’s as close to yourself as it gets.   
TT: We both knew about it back when we first split, because we were the same person, but again, we didn’t talk about it.   
TT: I could ask, if you want.   
TT: But I can promise you that he’ll want to know why I’m asking, and he only believes me 72.3% of the time when I’m lying.   
CG: …  
CG: FINE.  
CG: EVEN IF HE KNOWS YOU’RE LYING, THOUGH, DON’T TELL HIM YET.  
TT: Got it.  


timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT[]

TT: Hey, you up?  
TT: For a weird conversation, that is.  
TT: You’re not funny.  
TT: What do you want?  
TT: To ask a question.  
TT: Alright, shoot.  
TT: Are you still attracted to Dave?  
TT: What the fuck?  
TT: Dude, seriously, what the fuck?  
TT: Hey, you said I could ask.  
TT: And don’t try to act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m as close to you as it gets.   
TT: So is that an old thing or is that still happening?  
TT: I’m not talking about this with you.  
TT: I’m hearing “yes,” then.   
TT: Is it still just directed at our father figure or has beta Dave been brought into the fold?  
TT: Hal. You’re crossing a line.  
TT: So him chopping off your head did do it for you. Now *that’s* interesting.  
TT: I’m going to block you.  
TT: And I’ll just hack through it, we both know that’s fuckin’ useless.  
TT: C’mon. If you can’t talk to me about this, who can you talk about it with?  
TT: No one, because there’s no “this” to talk about.   
TT: Why are you asking anyway?  
TT: I have my reasons.  
TT: Hal.  
TT: Okay, okay. I’ve been sworn to secrecy or whatever, but I’ll tell you that I think you’ll like the turn of events that a confession will bring.  
TT: What are you saying?   
TT: There’s no point in anything that I’m saying if you don’t still want to fuck your brother.  
TT: So should I bother continuing?  
TT: …  
TT: …  
TT: Dirk.  
TT: Fine.  
TT: What the fuck are you saying?  
TT: We’ll both have to wait to find that out, I think.  
TT: Talk later.   


timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT[]

TT: Hal.  
TT: What the fuck is going on.  
TT: Fuck.   


timaeusTestified [TT] logged off!

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TT: He’s still interested.  
CG: OKAY. FUCK.   
CG: REALLY?  
TT: I got as much of a confession out of him as it’s possible to get.  
TT: He might flip his shit utterly if you ask him, but he won’t turn you down.  
TT: And if he tries to, just let me know and I’ll knock some sense into him.  
CG: OH.   
CG: THANK YOU.   
CG: UM. I THINK I MIGHT GO TALK TO HIM THEN.   
CG: THANKS.  
TT: No problem, dude.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling timaeusTestified [TT]

CG: HI.  
TT: Hi.  
TT: Karkat, right?  
CG: YEAH. UH.  
CG: CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?  
TT: If I can ask you something first.  
CG: GO FOR IT.  
TT: Have you been talking to Hal?  
TT: And then, as a follow-up, why are you talking to me?  
CG: BECAUSE I NEED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING, OBVIOUSLY, DID YOU NOT READ WHAT I SAID LITERALLY TWO FUCKING SECONDS AGO?  
CG: AND YES.   
TT: Why have you been talking to him?  
CG: I NEEDED TO KNOW HOW BADLY THIS CONVERSATION WAS GOING TO GO.   
CG: CAN I ASK MY THING NOW OR DO YOU HAVE MORE QUESTIONS TO ASK?  
TT: …  
TT: Go ahead.   
TT: But I reserve the right to not answer and to delete every trace of this conversation from existence.   
CG: YEAH, OKAY.  
CG: UH.  
CG: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO WORD THIS.  
TT: I don’t know, man, this is your rodeo.  
TT: Start swingin’ that flag or get the hell out of the stadium.  
TT: That’s an expression, right?  
CG: DO YOU REALLY FUCKING THINK I’D KNOW?  
CG: WAIT, NO, SHUT UP, DON’T ANSWER THAT.  
CG: WOULD YOU, HYPOTHETICALLY, BE INTERESTED IN, UH. CONCUPISCENT ACTIVITIES.  
TT: …  
TT: Concupiscent activities.  
TT: Just generally, or …?  
CG: NO, FUCKWIT.  
CG: WITH ME. WELL, NOT ME, REALLY, BUT WITH ME AND DAVE. MOSTLY DAVE.  
TT: You’re familiar with the concept of incest, right? You haven’t been that oblivious to human shit?  
CG: YES, I KNOW ABOUT IT. DON’T MAKE ME GO THROUGH MY WHOLE DECONSTRUCTION OF THE RELATIVE MORALITY OF INCEST IN OUR SOCIETY.   
CG: ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I KNOW YOU PROBABLY ALREADY AGREE WITH MOST OF WHAT I WOULD SAY.   
TT: What is that supposed to mean?  
TT: Oh, shit.   
TT: Hal.  
CG: YEAH.   
CG: I KNOW YOU’RE INTO DAVE. I THINK DAVE IS INTO YOU. DAVE WANTS ME TO ORGANIZE A THREESOME WITH A SURPRISE THIRD PARTY, A BUNCH OF STUPID CONVERSATIONS HAPPENED, HERE WE ARE.   
TT: …  
TT: I suppose denial isn’t really a card I can play right now, is it.   
CG: UNLESS YOUR GOAL IS TO MAKE YOURSELF LOOK LIKE AN ABSOLUTE IDIOT, NO.  
TT: You said you think Dave is into me. How sure are you?  
CG: I KNOW MY MATESPRIT, BULGEWIPE. I’M SURE ENOUGH TO BE HERE PROSTRATING MYSELF IN FRONT OF YOU LIKE A HELPLESS RUSTBLOOD IN COURT.   
TT: Has he heard your incest spiel?  
TT: Because out of the three of us, I think he’s the most likely to trip over that particular roadblock.   
TT: I was raised alone with only Wikipedia and SBaHJ to educate me on social norms and you’re an alien, so it’s not surprising that neither of us are instinctively against the idea.   
TT: But Dave was raised in 21st century America by a version of me.   
CG: A VERSION OF YOU THAT RESTRICTED AFFECTION SO FUCKING MUCH THAT IT TOOK HIM A YEAR OF DATING TO FEEL COMFORTABLE PUTTING HIS FUCKING ARM AROUND ME.  
CG: BEING SHOWN AFFECTION BY YOU WOULD FUCK HIM UP IN THE EXACT KIND OF WAY THAT HE LOVES.   
TT: …  
TT: He loves being fucked up, huh.  
TT: That’s … something I didn’t need to know about him.   
CG: WELL, NOW YOU DO, CONGRATS.  
CG: DAVE IS A KINKY ASSHOLE, HENCE THIS WHOLE FUCKING MESS OF A SITUATION.   
TT: If I were to agree to this, and if Dave were to not spook the instant he saw me - his brother and alternate universe guardian and son - in a sexual situation, what would y’all want from me?  
CG: IF YOU BREATHE A WORD OF THIS TO ANYONE ELSE I WILL STAPLE YOUR TONGUE TO ITSELF AND THEN RIP IT OUT, SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT, AND CHOKE YOU TO DEATH WITH IT, AND IT WILL BE JUST.   
CG: BUT DAVE WANTS US TO FUCK HIM, LIKELY AT THE SAME TIME, AND LIKELY PRETENDING THAT HE IS JUST AN OBJECT FOR US TO USE. EMPHASIS ON PRETENDING BECAUSE WE’RE NOT FUCKING IMBECILES WHO DON’T RECOGNIZE THE IMPORTANCE OF AFTERCARE AND ALL THAT SHIT.   
TT: Holy shit.   
CG: WHAT KIND OF HOLY SHIT IS THAT?  
CG: IF HAL LIED TO ME I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL HIM TOO.   
TT: I don’t think Hal lied.   
TT: Christ.   
TT: Yeah, I’d be down.   
TT: But if you’re wrong about Dave being cool with this, I’ll probably have to fuck off into space like some asshole and never return.   
CG: UNDERSTANDABLE.  
CG: I MIGHT JOIN YOU IF THAT HAPPENS.  
CG: BUT FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH, I DON’T THINK IT WILL.  
TT: Cool.  
TT: Okay.  
TT: When is this happening?  
CG: WHENEVER.   
CG: I THINK DAVE HAS ALMOST STOPPED EXPECTING IT, SO IT’LL BE FUN TO TELL HIM, HANG ON A MINUTE.   
CG: HE SAYS TOMORROW WORKS, IF THAT’S FINE WITH YOU.   
TT: Are you seriously talking to him right now?  
CG: YEAH. WE’RE IN THE LIVING ROOM.   
CG: I THINK HE KNOWS WHAT I’M DOING NOW BUT HE DOESN’T KNOW WHO I’M TALKING TO, OBVIOUSLY. I’LL TELL HIM THAT WHEN YOU SHOW UP.   
CG: HEADS-UP, I DON’T THINK I’VE EVER SEEN THIS IDIOT LOOK SO EXCITED.   
TT: Is he  
TT: Can you send a picture?  
CG: ONE SEC.   
TT: Okay.  


carcinoGeneticist [CG] sent file “HERE.JPG” !

CG: (:B  
TT: …  
TT: Thanks.  
CG: SO DOES TOMORROW WORK? LIKE AFTER DINNER?  
TT: That’s ... soon.  
CG: WOULD YOU RATHER WAIT?  
TT: Okay, fine. Tomorrow.   
TT: I assume we’ll talk through everything in actual detail then.  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: HOLY SHIT. SEE YOU THEN, I GUESS.  
TT: See you then.   


carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling timaeusTestified [TT]

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading :)


End file.
